Romantic interests are normal
Romantic interests are a completely normal part of growing up. However, it’s what teens do with that interest and how you handle your teen’s emerging feelings that matters. So when should kids start dating?
How young is too young?
Parents shouldn’t rush their young teens into intense romantic relationships. Neurologically, they are still trying to figure out who they are, and teens can become clingy and over-attached when they try to find their identity or meaning in a romantic partner.
Evidence suggests younger teens often experience more costs and fewer benefits when involved in a romantic relationship-that is, teens describe their early relationships as more stressful and less supportive (compared to older teens and young adults who find the levels of affection, companionship and intimacy more rewarding). So when we encourage our kids to delay dating until the latter part of the teen years, we aren’t being cruel.
(As an aside, teens are not misfits if they are not yet romantically involved by the later high school or early young adult years either.)
Be respectful
It is frustrating to teens when adults label another 13-year-old as ‘your boyfriend’ or ‘your girlfriend’, and have chuckle about it. Nothing kills a great friendship quicker, so please stop! Continually asking and teasing teens about a boyfriend/girlfriend when they simply enjoy hanging out with a person puts pressure on them (and they get enough pressure from their peers already). The implication is that having a romantic relationship is what defines them and they’re somehow missing out or defective without one. Teens need to get the message that they’re not more ‘worthy’ if they have a romantic partner.
In Conversation
- Know that ‘love education‘ is important to teens.
- Be careful not to shut down the potential for conversations with your teen, by either embarrassing them or laughing off their romantic feelings as “silly” or “childish”.